Nick Gazin: You ready to do this?
Johnny Ryan: Yeah.
This one comes from Ethan P. What would happen if the Juggernaut ran into the Blob?
The Joker-naut?
The Juggernaut.
Uh… they would fuck? I don’t know. That’s a horrible question. Next.
I think what would happen is, Wizard Magazine said the Blob would-
I said next.
Ok, ok… Joey S. asks: Betty or Veronica?
Next. Come on, man. We don’t need these questions. We can make up our own.
Ok then. What do you want to ask?
If you had to have gay sex with a superhero, which would it be and why?
I guess I would have to say either Ant Man or the Atom because they’re the smallest and it would probably hurt the least.
That’s a good answer.
Alternatively, I would like to go with a Skrull, because it could turn into a lady.
I would go with Giant Man.
To just tear you up inside?
Just to split me in half. Because I want to go out being split in two. Anally.
Here’s a question from Jenny R, from Los Angeles. Who would give better blowjobs: Prince Namor or Modok?
I would have to say Prince Namor… because he’s all wet. He can probably hold his breath for longer too.
I say Modok because he’s all mouth.
Modok could probably suck a hundred dicks at once.
Yeah that’s pretty cool.
I bet you would think that.
Who’s cooler: Deadpool or Dead Shot?
Dead pool?
Yeah.
Or Dead shot?
Yeah.
Uh... Well a pool’s more fun, and you know, you can go swimming in the pool… You can chill out a raft with a drink, so I’d say the Deadpool.
Nice. Did you ever read that Swamp Thing story where…
No. Never read Swamp Thing. Never read any DC Comics. Fuck DC Comics. Marvel, all the way. We don’t read Phantagraphics, we don’t read any alternative shit. We don’t read that kind of crap.
I just bought the first appearance of Bizarro recently. Pretty cool right?
Wrong. We read only the makers of the great movie Kickass 2, and that’s Marvel Comics. Because we’re here to promote Kickass 2, coming September 8.*
Do you think you can have sex with She-Hulk without her killing you?
Absolutely not. No you couldn’t. But that’s what makes it great ‘cause it would be your last and best fuck. Anybody else you fuck after that, even if you lived, which you won’t, it would just be like fucking soapsuds. Like you wouldn’t feel anything, so you might as well just die.
Why is Wolverine always hanging around the youngest member of the X-Team?
That’s because he’s disgusting.
You think so?
He’s vile. He’s just a vile piece of piss.
Is he their dad or is he just trying to fuck the youngest kid in the group?
Has there ever been a comic where they have Wolverine, like they expose his childhood molesting past?
Ah no, I think that’s part of his origin they haven’t revealed yet, even though they’ve revealed so much of his origin now, over the course of the past thirty years.
How many child predators do you think are in the Marvel universe?
A bunch but whenever-
The answer’s none because Marvel’s characters are all top of the line, fucking perfect. There’s nothing wrong with them.
Here’s a question from Daniel B. from Brooklyn: Are comics now just the R&D department of the filmmaking branch of the major entertainment corporations who bought them? And what does that mean for fans and storytelling?
It means great things because of Kickass 2 which is going to be released this Christmas from AMC features.**
I think I’m going to quote Mr. Burns in saying “Shut up, little girl” which he said to Lisa Simpson one time.
Yeah I don’t watch that show because it’s not a Marvel enterprise.
Since we’re only talking about Marvel stuff, what do you like best Kickass, Kickass 2, or Hit Girl of the Kickass series?
Now that is a great question because there’s no answer because they’re all terrific. Every single one of those books is like a masterstroke. Like if those books had a bladder, they would piss all over fucking Shakespeare, James Joyce, Francis Ford Coppola… Fuck all that shit.
Who do you think would win in a fight: me or you?
I think it depends on really on how much cocaine I’ve done first, if I’ve done a lot-
I didn’t mean we were fighting each other; I just meant general in the world of fighting.
Oh it really depends on who we fight against. If it was the Blob then I would lose. If it was you then I might win if I caught you by surprise.
Are there any superheroes who you think you could kick their ass? I think I could beat up Jimmy Olsen.
He’s not a superhero.
Well he did become Elastic Lad when he took Elastic Serum.
Well then say Elastic Lad; you can’t beat up Elastic Lad.
Well I can beat up Elastic Lad if I caught him by surprise in the back of the head or something. Or right in the rectal frame.
Your hand would, like, get engulfed by his head and then he would rip your arm from its socket, then he would shove your arm up your ass.
Yeah probably. The answer is Cipher.
Who is Cipher again?
He was the one whose only power is he can speak any language known to man no matter what. He can speak any language even if it was outer space or something. If you had to have a superpower in real life, what would it be?
I’m gonna say Jubilee.
Who was she?
She was from X-Men.
Explain.
Jubilee is a young teenager in a yellow coat who hangs and shoots fireworks out of her hands and she may have gotten fucked by Wolverine as a teenager.
That’s what you want? That’s your super power? To get fucked by Wolverine?
That’s a pretty good superpower right?
I wish I was the Blob because you don’t have to do anything; all you gotta do is just sit there, eat your turbo snacks, watch TV. People try to fuck with you and like they’ll punch you but their hand would just be engulfed in your blobatude and get crushed. It’s like you can’t ask for a better super power. And he’s the strongest superhero in the Marvel universe.
Who’s got the biggest dick in comics? Do you think?
Mr. Fantastic, right?
Oh yeah cause he can stretch.
That’s like a no brainer. Who’s got the smallest? Ant Man, there. This is terrible. Who’s got the longest-
Labia?
Yeah that’s a good question because there’s no Elastic Girl. Is there?
It’s weird, how you don’t see stretchy women in comics. It seems like it’d be obvious but I guess it’s so much of a foul luck thing it just wouldn’t happen. It’s really a dude power. Just like super speed, like super speeds also a dude thing.
Girls are always invisible or walk through walls.
They go away, they turn invisible and travel.
Power to get the fuck out of here.
It’s so clear to that superhero comics are written by people who didn’t like women, or women did not like them. Or women would not let them touch them. Rogue, Invisible Girl, and Kitty Pride all have powers of like, getting lost and not being found.
Storm.
Storm actually seemed like she got it on. But then again, it seems like her powers are seemingly very feminine.
She probably has like a tornado in her vagina. Vagnado.
Like her powers are connected to supposedly how women are temperamental and stormy.
Let me ask you a question: Casper or Spooky?
Spooky cause he’s a rough and tumble street ghost and has freckles. Which makes me think a lot that he’s probably a ginger.
If you had sex with either one of those guys, you wouldn’t feel anything because they’re ghost and they don’t exist.
Who’s the most inadvertently the most racist superhero do you think?
Superhero?
Or Villain.
Well probably the Red Skull because he’s a Nazi right?
Yeah that’s true.
So that’s right off the bat, and the Hatemonger too. Remember him?
Haha no.
You don’t remember the Hatemonger? That was the first comic I ever bought with the super villain team up with the Red Skull and the Hate Monger.
Do you think Doctor Doom looks all scarred up under that mask or is he just like a normal guy?
Are you sure he’s a guy? How come you’re already pushing gender roles on super heroes?
You’re right.
I mean this is VICE magazine. We’re liberated, we’re open-minded, we’re broad-minded. We don’t like to prescribe to gender roles on people.
Final question: are you excited for Kickass 2?
I saw the movie; it’s everything you can ever hope a movie can be, and then more… and then even more than that. I walked out of that movie and I don’t even have a rectum anymore, I’m like hooked up to—I have a colostomy bag now because that movie blew my ass out.
So that’s good right?
You mean living in pain for the rest of my life? Yes it’s wonderful. I love it, living in pain and not being able to go out anymore. Having the horrible fecal smell for the rest of my life.
Well on that note, I’ll talk to you later.
Have a good weekend.
* Kickass 2 actually comes out August 22
** Also incorrect. It’s out in Australia through Universal
For session times and other release information, head to the official Kickass 2 website.