As a kid, I loved stories about the underdogs who would find a way to come out on top. It showed me that the best victories are the ones against all odds, right? At least that’s what I used to think. Not anymore. I mean, take David and Goliath. A classic underdog story. But for a while I couldn’t figure out why that story didn’t really sit well with me. David is this unassuming dude and Goliath is a three metre tall giant. David decides to challenge Goliath to a sword fight. Goliath laughs but he accepts. David knows he’s gonna lose and most likely die, so what does he do? He shows up to a sword fight with a bag of rocks and chucks them at Goliath’s head. Knocks him out. Then walks over and cuts Goliath’s head off while he’s unconscious. And that’s when it hit me. I realised: wow, David is a bit of a dick.
There were a lot of fights at my school. One particularly memorable fight involved my friend Neil. I can’t remember why Neil and this guy had to fight. And to be honest, it’s not important because there has never been any good reason for two teenagers to fight. Nothing in the world changed because two kids punched each other.
All I remember is that they arranged to meet at the duck pond the next day. The location was Neil’s idea. There’s something you should know about Neil. He’s not wired the same way as the rest of us. I’ve never understood the way his brain works. For example, we’re sitting at the bus stop and some kid had found out the guy Neil was fighting was actually a state champion boxer. I wasn’t even fighting but I started to get scared for him, getting those butterflies in my stomach.
“Man, this guy is going to beat the shit out of you”, I say to him.
Neil just cocks his head back as if thinking out loud, “Maybe I should train tonight...”.
“What? You’ve got one day. How much do you think you’re going to improve?” I ask not expecting an answer. Even in movies when there’s a training montage, that clip is meant to represent an extended period of time. The guy will have a six pack and a beard by the end of it. Eg: No Retreat, No Surrender. Rocky IV.
But I could tell the gears in his head were turning because that night Neil comes to my house.
“Hey, I need your help. Get your bike and come follow me?”, he asks wearing a backpack with a shovel sticking out.
I had no idea what he was scheming but I let my curiousity get the better of me, and we ride down to the duckpond. Neil pulls his shovel out and starts digging away at this patch of grass until there’s a hole the size of a milk crate. He gets me to put one foot in the hole and lean forward as if I’m falling. As I do that he starts positioning himself around me. Measuring angles and distance between us. Kneeling down like he’s some sort of surveyor. Neil extends his arm towards me.
“Ok, relax. I’m just going to try something.” He starts swinging uppercuts to my face making me flinch.
“What the fuck are you doing?”.
“Oh. I’m just digging a trap hole for my fight tomorrow”.
“What the fuck... this is like some Looney Tunes shit. Who do you think you’re fighting? The Road Runner?”
“Well, my plan is that the guy will come towards me. As he does, his foot will go into the hole and he’ll tumble forward and I’ll catch him with an uppercut to the face”.
You know that point when you stop feeling sorry for someone and you just start hating them? At the start of this whole thing I felt sorry for Neil. I was like: man, I hope this guy doesn’t beat the shit out of you. And now I was like: actually, I hope he beats the shit out of you.
Neil pulls out a roll of newspaper and lays the sheets over the hole. Gets a hammer out of his bag and nails the sheets to the ground. He rips out patches of grass, throws it on top of the newspaper, as if to disguise the hole. Look. I’m not a professional hole digger. But that hole was the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever seen. How do you even think of such a thing? I mean, I have those thoughts sometimes but then I realise how stupid it is and then I go on with my life. He’s missing that part of his brain.
The next day we get down to the duckpond. Except the state champion fighter and his friends are there already. They’re on the opposite side of the duckpond from where the hole is. Neil in all his genius didn’t think to consider that. But he decides to go down to the hole anyways. So now Neil and this guy are on opposite ends of the duckpond just staring at each other like lost lovers or some shit. It was weird. Then they start yelling. He thinks Neil is being a pussy and doesn’t want to come over. Neil tells him that he’s a pussy and that he should come over.
After a few minutes of confusion and testosterone, the guy relents. Him and his friends come over to our side. He’s about five metres away from the hole, pacing side to side shadowboxing like he’s getting ready for a bout. The whole time I can see Neil following his movements so he can position himself accordingly. Making sure that the hole is always aligned directly between the two of them.
Then a gust of wind blows past and bits of the loose grass fly off. You can see sections of the newspaper sticking out of the ground. Surely this guy can see the hole by now. Somehow he doesn’t. Maybe he was too confident or maybe he thought there was nothing to suspect. Like a bag of rocks to a sword fight, who brings a hole to a fist fight? He lunges forward. I look over at Neil and he’s in a confident stance. And I remember thinking you don’t deserve to be confident, this whole thing is fucking ridiculous.
The next sound I hear is the newspaper ripping.
Then I see the guy’s foot go into the hole.
He tumbles forward.
Neil rips his arm through the air. Arcing his fist for a planned collision.
Catches him squarely on the jawline.
Knocks him out and and sends him sprawled over to the side like a rag doll.
Look. I’ve seen some amazing shit in my life but that was absolutely retarded. It didn’t make any sense. I just had to stand there and watch Neil walk away from this guy who’s lying face down in the grass. One foot stuck in a hole.
I don’t even know how to finish this story.
Neil sells farming equipment now. That’s all the closure I can give you.
Follow Tien on Twitter: @acecube87
See Tien's show If You Don't Know, Now You Know at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival